Tuesday, February 3, 2009

"He who argues with God, let him answer it."

Job 40:2 (Read this book, you won't be sorry for it. It's all worth it for chapters 38-42)

I know I'm out of it when I forget to even come and check comments.


Oh well, I'm back now. I've been filling up my free time with a bit more conversation and reading some books in a decision to try and spend more time more productively than on my computer. I decided I should use my time to read my Bible more (or just read something, it seems better than pining for emails or something) and praying more. Both have been going better. I made it my only "resolution" for the new year to read the Bible everyday. So far, it's going well.

I'm in the middle of Psalms. Sometimes I wonder if reading psalms isn't a little like sitting down with a hymnal and just reading through all those verses. It seems weird to me. But they are great. They're better out loud. Plus it makes me focus more, which is good, since I'm a little ADD sometimes and since I've been flaring some (nothing too awful, thankfully) I have a way of just zoning out of anything and everything. Still, I like them. They make me want to write. And then I decide I still have nothing new to say and no variations, so I just keep reading.

Speaking of things that say everything and more than you could have thought of...I remembered a prayer the other day that seems to express exactly what it is that I'm never sure how to say. In college I learned a lot about the Eastern Orthodox church and the way they worship. The people I read and met and talked with about it were deeply in love with God, and I learned a lot from them about various ways to grow closer to Him.

One thing I had learned, and never considered much before were praying pre-written prayers. These can come from a lot of places. The Bible (Psalms is full of them!) or from other Christians. When I came here I asked those of you supporting me to pray the prayer that Paul had written down for his friends in Colossae (Colossians 1:9-12).

This prayer that I remembered is one from Metropolitan Philaret (a bishop, poet, and teacher from 1800s):

O Lord, I do not know what to ask of You.
You alone know what are my true needs.
You love me more than I myself know how to love,
Help me to see my real needs which are concealed from me.
I do not dare to ask either for a cross or for consolation.
I can only wait on You. My heart is open to You.
Visit and help me, for the sake of Your great mercy.
Strike me and heal me; case me down and raise me up.
I worship in silence Your holy will and Your unsearchable ways.
I offer myself as a sacrifice to You.
I have no other desire than to fulfill Your will.
Teach me to pray. Pray You Yourself in me.
Amen.

That prayer says so much that I have tried to say before. It reminds me that God lets us hurt sometimes, and sometimes he heals. But he does it for his own glory--we can't understand it sometimes, but he does. And it reminds me to joyfully submit to him. I want more than anything to do what he wants me to do. Sometimes I don't know what that is. But He always knows, and when I don't know what to do, I need to remember to simply turn to him, offering myself to him as a living sacrafice. I need to turn to him in worshiping him. He's Holy; He knows; and He controls. I really haven't anything to fear, not pain, not uncertainty. If i follow him, nothing will happen to me except what he allows so that he can be glorified.
It also reminds me to try and let my struggles turn into his glory. I know I have a choice of how to deal with the surprises in life that I face. Bitterness, anger, jealousy...those won't glorify him. But if I can still smile, because I know that he is with me and praise him because I know that he will always walk beside me, and simply continue to seek after him, despite whatever gets in the way, then he will be the focus, and that is how it ought to be.

Recently I've been frustrated because I have more time then I know what to do with but I don't have the strength to do the things that are available (like working up at the school, it's a walk up a huge hill, and right now with this flare I can't seem to make it very fare without paying for any exertion with exhaustion and more pain). I prayed, asking God to make me stronger so I could go do more. I prayed and asked him to heal my body. I asked him what I am supposed to do. Why am I here if I can't do anything? But, then last night, God showed me that this time is a gift from him. It was as if he was saying, you have always longed for more time to focus on me. More time to study and to pray. And now that I have it, I get frustrated and try and find a way to fill up my time.

I felt dumb after hearing that. But I also felt glad. At least he got through to me before my time is up. Joanna and the kids will be back before the end of the month, and I will be busy again. Till then, I'm glad for the time I have left, and I ask you to pray that I use it well.

Love,
Jessica

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

What Jungle Book story is complete without Kaa?

I really enjoy getting to see nature up close and personal. I love having palm trees everywhere, being able to pick a mango up off the ground (well I don't do that any more, they give me rashes), or marvel at a pineapple plant or a butterfly.

But there is a darker side to the jungle too. I feel like I've seen enough of that with the cockroaches and tarantulas and the disturbingly enormous beetles that always drownd in the pool. But now I've seen more, and even though the jungle is great a snake in the corner of your living room is not cool. I'm not a snake hater--I'm not really afraid of them (thanks to my Dad and having one as a pet and always being taught to believe snake sightings were a good thing). But in the Jungle, and in your own house it's really a different story.

I was just sitting this morning working on my French homework (syntax and adjectives! Woohoo!) when I heard Wookie (he's Dave and Becki Thompson's dog. Lisa and I are baby-sitting him while the Thompsons were at a PAACS conference) jumping around. Then I heard this noise. Not quite a hiss and not really a growl. Not it was more like an angry snake noise--something like "khaaaaa."

I tried to reason with myself: "surely it is only a lizard" Wookie was jumping about an old suitcase that Lisa had set up nin the living room to hide away various internet and phone and electrical cords in. I walked over and Wookie was clearly attacking something behind the suitcase. Knowing the whole time that the angry hissing noises were definitely a snake.


Here is Wookie checking out the suitcase after the whole ordeal. The snake was about where Wookie is in the photo, but the suitcase was pushed closer to the wall.

Sure enough, there was an enraged black snake rearing up at Wookie and me behind the suitcase. I wanted Wookie to leave it alone. This was perhaps mostly from a selfish motivation. I did not want to be remembered as the girl that came to Bongolo and let the Thompson's dog kill itself.

So I called Wookie. I shook his vitamin bottle. He kept jumping at the snake and barking. I had no intention to go over and grab anywhere near the snake, even if it was to save the dog, but thankfully he ran around the suitcase to try a different angle and I was able to grab him and throw him in his cage.

The angry, rearing serpent seemed content enough behind the suitcase so I ran to my room to grab my cell phone and camera.

I called Lisa. No Answer.

I called Margariet. No Answer.

I wasn't quite sure what to do after that. I think I called Margariet again, and then Huub answered and said he would come over.While I was waiting I sat on the stares and watched the snake to make sure he wouldn't sneak off somewhere else. I also took a picture for you all:


This picture is a little confusing. But, that is the snake, looking up towards my camera. He is reared up (although less, he was calming down at this point I think and not half upright in the air anymore!) with his little nose pointing right at the camera and you can see his yellowish belly raised up off the ground. If you look close you can even see his wide-set eyes staring at you saying, "No worries, my venom will act in seconds , you'll hardly know what hit you!" in his cool, smooth snake-voice. Or something creepy anyway. (Click it for the full picture, my blog crops off half or so)

He stayed reared up and watching me the whole time I was waiting. Then I heard someone comming up past the window so I ran and unlocked the door and Paul and Olivier were there to save the day (or me and the dog at least) armed with poles and their machete.

Olivier came in and hacked him up. I didn't take pictures of this. Sorry. It smelled like a dead fish though. And left blood all over my floor.



Olivier went through some kind of disecting process where he took the head off and mangled it to show us his fangs. He said it was poisonous.

Lisa and I have been researching it and think he's a black mamba. Anyway, that's what we are calling it.

We went trapsing through the yard to see where he had been thrown to get a better look but we didn't find it, so I think he must've been carried off and eaten by something. Fair enough.

So there's the snake story. Then tonight I learned about someone who was bitten by a poisonous snake in our bathroom.

Life here is just so exciting!


Till next time,

Jessica

P.S. As an interesting note, this is the corner of the house where all the creepy things live I guess. I've also seen a mouse around there, then the tarantula was in the same place and now the snake. Blech. That's also the corner where I sit and work on my computer normally. Maybe I need a new place.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

quick update

Hi there.

I feel like it's been a long time. I have been rather busy lately, my apologies.

Since last time:

  • The Thelander's have left
  • Lisa, my new (and fantastic) housemate is here!
  • I have switched over to the little bedroom in the house (I like it, it reminds me of my dorm in olds except significantly smaller and no desk, but maybe the resemblance is in the sheets since they are the same..)
Since This morning:

  • I have gone to Lebamba via taxi
    I went with Lisa, it was fun. In the front on the way there was a guy with a big basket eating boiled peanuts (which are incredibly good and rather addictive, by the way) and another lady in the back with us
  • I learned how to greet someone in Yinzabie, but I've forgotten now, I'll ask again tomorrow.
  • I got a mild sunburn while swimming in the pool (yup, we have a pool, you should see the things you can find in it. Enormous bugs and such. Yesterday I found the head part of a shed snake skin.
  • I showed to girls from here pictures on my family and dogs on my computer and explained stuff in French!
  • I went to May-Therese's restaurant with Lisa and the work team that's here--that had a lot of good laughs
  • I saw a man cutting up a monkey for the restaurant (to envision the restaurant, imagine someone cooking in their kitchen and serving the food in a large emptyish living room). Many people took pictures of this event, The little old man was really friendly abut it all. He kept proclaiming various english phrases such as, "Thank you! Good Night! Good Afternoon! Please! Thank you! Very Much! Very Much!" As loudly as he could while holding up the dismembered monkey head and tail for photos. It was really funny.
Sorry about the bullet points, but I figure it's easier to read and I've got to go to sleep. I had exhausting myself so I'd sleep well tonight as a goal, and so far I'm exhausted, so it must be working!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Racing, Refinement, and Reliance

So in the Bible our lives as Christians are compared to a race. And I've always thought of Philippians 3:13ish to be working on those lines. In that passage Paul says:
"one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

But as I was thing about the idea of life being a race I realised that sometimes I feel more like my race is about survival. Forget a nice racetrack. And definately forget speed. It feels like trduging through the jungle with machete in hand, spiderwebs in your hair, thorns scratching your feet and slippery mud making every step uncertain. It's not very fast paced. It is all about perseverance though. And that's what strikes me about Paul's words above. If you read them again, they don't sound very fast paced either. Reading through it the image of bleachers full of stands and bright lights, fancy running gear, and level tracks fade. Paul's talking about hard stuff. He talks about complete focus (frogetting what's behind), he's talking hard work (straining...) and perseverance (I press on...) all towards Christ, the real goal.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I love my life (most of the time) and I love where God has put me (most of the time) and what he is calling me to (most of the time). It's just that sometimes, I realise that it's really hard.

God didn't call us to an easy life. And he puts those he loves in really tough circumstances sometimes. Paul had it pretty bad with all the shipwrecks and everyone emprisioning him and trying to kill him. Job was a good servant, and he sure took a blow (a lot of them). And of course, Jesus, God's own son, didn't even get an easy life. So, with that kind of perspective, it seems ridiculous to hope for one.

I'm finding that it's easier to grow in the hard times anyway. When my life was easy, I didn't need God (or so I thought). And it was plenty easy to think I could do anything.

Now I have fibromyalgia. Now I know I can't do anything with out him. Sometimes, like this week, I really strugle with this. I want to get upset, I want to say it's stupid and I hate it. Or just wish that I didn't have it. Or pity myself. Or ask God what he could be thinking.

But, I've learned too much to do most of that anymore; I really want to. But I have to stop myself. I have learned so much just by hurting. I think that God is forcing me to rely on him. He knows I'm headstrong and independent, so he took me down a feel rungs and made me lean on him. I can't really get angry at something that has helped me to develop a deeper and strong relationship with my heavenly father. It's unpleasent, but the results are beautiful. And I can't complain about fibromyalgia too much since when I think for just a second, I realise that it could be a lot worse. God didn't give me anything terminal, nothing physically damaging, just pain.
It's still awful, but it's endurable. It's not too much, even when I think it is.

Since Christmas I've been flaring up. A lot. The past few days I find that I can only eat about once a day, the rest of the time I'm too nauseated from the pain. I'm exhauseted all the time. The hardest part about it all is not being able to help like I wish I could. But God is constantly encouraging me that he knows what I can't do and he knows what he wants me to do. He'll get me through, and he'll take care of me. So even though I've realised that because of the pain I can't do what I want, I've realised that I still have the strength to do what God wants. And He'll never let anything touch me that he won't carry for me. All I have to do is keep walking right beside him and he'll shoulder it for me. It's really not a bad situation at all to have a constant reminder of how much I need God.

But somedays, even most days, it's still hard and I can use your prayers. Thanks. :-)

Jessica

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Tuesday and Wednesday

So, this was a bad week to pick to show you what I normally do.

I've not been feeling very well the yesterday or today. I think it most be the fibromyalgia flaring up. So, I've just be utterly exhausted and really in a lot of pain.

Yesterday I was going to watch Rebecca, but I was too tired and sore. Today I was going to do school with the kids, but I thought I was sick because I was really nauseated. But after taking some tylenol that eased up, till it wore off, then I was nauseated again till I took more. I think the pain is just bad enough it's making me nauseous and I'm not getting anything. So that's good, and bad.

Yesterday I did some more PAACS work and had my french lesson in the morning. That went pretty well. I'm enjoying learning more a lot. I'm finally starting to understand a lot more (as long as I'm not tired...then I have no comprehension)

I also made hot chocolate yesterday. This is my kettle.

It was some good hot chocolate. Until I got really missionary and decided to fill it up with hot water again to use the last little bits of chocolaty sludge. Then it was nasty. It didn't mix right because the water was lukewarm...so it was sorta gritty slightly chocolate flavored lukewarm water. That was a bad idea.

Anyway, I did work on my bible study for Praxis a lot today. I'm doing a topical study of holiness. It's actually really fascinating. There are also a lot of verses on holiness. I'm still in Leviticus. But that's ok, because it's interesting. I've been reading through the Bible from start to finish again this year. I just started again in July or August. So I've read what I'm slowly picking verses on holiness out of not long ago. It's really neat to have the big picture, and now to be putting together a smaller picture out of that. Also, keeping in mind the NT (which I will eventually get to) it makes all the verses about God's holiness and treating him and holy things appropriately all seem so much more meaningful. It's hard to explain since I'm not done yet and haven't been able to sort out what I'm thinking and make sure it matches up with what scripture says, but it's cool. I'll explain when I finish if everything still makes since. I am amazed at what serious issue it was (is, I think...) to not take God's holiness seriously. Which makes since, it would be like treating a king or president like a nobody. They deserve respect because of their position. God deserves respect because he is God. That's just how it is. Of course, he's a good God too, so it's not quite the same, where you can have an awful king or president and still have to honor him.

This afternoon I went over to Margariet and Huub's to say hi and take them their Christmas present (I'm a little behind on delivery...) and to get my clothes they picked up from the tailor. It was a nice visit.

My clothes are really cute. (I think)



I wanted to show someone my new outfit after trying it on, so I went to show Karen (and return sheet's she was letting me borrow). She invited me over for dinner tonight with her and Carolyn and then Amy Gessford, who came in tonight. She's a 4th year medical student doing a rotation here.

So I came back, made some pineapple and mango salsa for the New Years Eve party tonight and then went over for dinner.

Amy got in late because they had to wait for a bridge to be rebuilt. The bridges here are frequently made of logs laid across the river/crevice, then planks are laid on top of those crosswise, and more planks are laid parallel to the logs to make a flat driving surface. She said it was pretty chaotic. And at one point they pushed one of the new logs too hard and it fell down into the river below so that had to go chop down a new one.

Anyway, Carolyn and Karen and I ended up eating before she came. And then I went up to the party with Carolyn. It was fun. We had a white elephant exchange. Amy came in before the gift exchange. And it was all a lot of fun. Parents and kids left around 9, but I stuck around with Carolyn, Renee, Becki, Amy, and Karen (once she got there--she'd gone to visit someone after dinner) and we played mexican train dominoes. It was fun, we made it all the way to double blank dominoes...and I won. Yay.

We got back about 1am.

So, now it's 2009. Happy New Years everybody; I've gotta get some sleep!

Bonne Annee!

Jessica