Meditations Upon an Unplanned Repast (or thoughts inspired by grab bag meal)

So having played butcher, I turned vegetarian for a night and made veggie burgers. Mostly because I didn't have thawed meat, and did have multiple cans of beans. So a quick search on allrecipes.com inspired me to make my own bean patties.



They actually turned out really well. I'm still a fan of meat, but as far as desiring something that doesn't leave me thinking I forgot the main course, these are a good way to go. Here's a lovely picture...because I was so excited about them!

Anyway, lest this sound like a cooking blog I'd better move on to some other type of subject.

like...Joy.

That's what I've been thinking about a lot lately. I have realised that even in the past two months my entire outlook on life has completely changed. I came here, knowing(most days) that God was calling me here, and terrified of what was going to happen. I think you could say that terror was fair enough, what with having less than ideal health and not all the money I needed and the growing realisation that I had never really gotten myself into something without someone else I knew doing it too. Maybe this is a side effect of being the middle child. I was always old enough to do these with Phillip, or "one of the girls" or still young enough to do things with Kristi. I don't know. But I do know that I was a bit frightened.

I got here, and since I hadn't even been able to think of anything to expect, I generally found that I wasn't too surprised at life. A few things surprised me here and there. But generally I just found myself counting.

How many days have I been here? How many days till I go home? How long till I have to figure out what to do next year? How long till I go to Bongolo? How long till I go back to Libreville...?

Always, I was asking questions entirely focused on what I wasn't doing yet.

And recently I've realised that that is pointless.

Sure, a little planning is necessary. But that's how I felt when I realised I didn't have any meat last night. "Oh no!" I thought, "What am I going to eat now? I should've thought about this before!" But I'm glad I didn't fuss over it too much before, because now I have a whole new, tasty dish I may never have tried otherwise.

This is not to say that I'm giving up meal planning. (of course, it's hard to give up what you haven't started anyway). Rather, I'm simply saying, worrying about the future really doesn't get you anywhere at all. It just makes you miss all your current opportunities. You'll never even enjoy the future, because by the time it comes around you're worrying about the next bend in the river.

Not to say I'm not worrying anymore. I still worry. But I found myself more in more catching myself, shaking it off, thanking God for already arranging provisions for the future so that I can enjoy what he's given me right now. That's what I'm trying to say with my bad cooking analogy. Instead of worrying about what's for dinner, look around and see what God's put in the pantry, because maybe he's got a whole new recipe for you to try. He know's you'll love it, even though it looks a little like vomit burgers (they do too...I'll admit it).

So I'm done with purposefully worrying about life. I think I'll just enjoy searching out all the little hints that God leaves around me to remind me that he's looking out for me and giving me better things than I can imagine, let alone plan for!

Well, so much for leaving the food topic. And sorry for a potentially confusing/cliché post. I find that I keep learning profound things, and then as soon as I attempt to put words to them, they turn into the phrases I've heard all my life. But now I understand the deep emotion and understanding that first gave them voice and led to their continual use till they mean nothing at all to us anymore.

à tout à l'heure,

Jessica