Racing, Refinement, and Reliance

So in the Bible our lives as Christians are compared to a race. And I've always thought of Philippians 3:13ish to be working on those lines. In that passage Paul says:

"one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

But as I was thing about the idea of life being a race I realised that sometimes I feel more like my race is about survival. Forget a nice racetrack. And definately forget speed. It feels like trduging through the jungle with machete in hand, spiderwebs in your hair, thorns scratching your feet and slippery mud making every step uncertain. It's not very fast paced. It is all about perseverance though. And that's what strikes me about Paul's words above. If you read them again, they don't sound very fast paced either. Reading through it the image of bleachers full of stands and bright lights, fancy running gear, and level tracks fade. Paul's talking about hard stuff. He talks about complete focus (frogetting what's behind), he's talking hard work (straining...) and perseverance (I press on...) all towards Christ, the real goal.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I love my life (most of the time) and I love where God has put me (most of the time) and what he is calling me to (most of the time). It's just that sometimes, I realise that it's really hard.

God didn't call us to an easy life. And he puts those he loves in really tough circumstances sometimes. Paul had it pretty bad with all the shipwrecks and everyone emprisioning him and trying to kill him. Job was a good servant, and he sure took a blow (a lot of them). And of course, Jesus, God's own son, didn't even get an easy life. So, with that kind of perspective, it seems ridiculous to hope for one.

I'm finding that it's easier to grow in the hard times anyway. When my life was easy, I didn't need God (or so I thought). And it was plenty easy to think I could do anything.

Now I have fibromyalgia. Now I know I can't do anything with out him. Sometimes, like this week, I really strugle with this. I want to get upset, I want to say it's stupid and I hate it. Or just wish that I didn't have it. Or pity myself. Or ask God what he could be thinking.

But, I've learned too much to do most of that anymore; I really want to. But I have to stop myself. I have learned so much just by hurting. I think that God is forcing me to rely on him. He knows I'm headstrong and independent, so he took me down a feel rungs and made me lean on him. I can't really get angry at something that has helped me to develop a deeper and strong relationship with my heavenly father. It's unpleasent, but the results are beautiful. And I can't complain about fibromyalgia too much since when I think for just a second, I realise that it could be a lot worse. God didn't give me anything terminal, nothing physically damaging, just pain.
It's still awful, but it's endurable. It's not too much, even when I think it is.

Since Christmas I've been flaring up. A lot. The past few days I find that I can only eat about once a day, the rest of the time I'm too nauseated from the pain. I'm exhauseted all the time. The hardest part about it all is not being able to help like I wish I could. But God is constantly encouraging me that he knows what I can't do and he knows what he wants me to do. He'll get me through, and he'll take care of me. So even though I've realised that because of the pain I can't do what I want, I've realised that I still have the strength to do what God wants. And He'll never let anything touch me that he won't carry for me. All I have to do is keep walking right beside him and he'll shoulder it for me. It's really not a bad situation at all to have a constant reminder of how much I need God.

But somedays, even most days, it's still hard and I can use your prayers. Thanks. :-)

Jessica