"He who argues with God, let him answer it."

Job 40:2 (Read this book, you won't be sorry for it. It's all worth it for chapters 38-42)

I know I'm out of it when I forget to even come and check comments.


Oh well, I'm back now. I've been filling up my free time with a bit more conversation and reading some books in a decision to try and spend more time more productively than on my computer. I decided I should use my time to read my Bible more (or just read something, it seems better than pining for emails or something) and praying more. Both have been going better. I made it my only "resolution" for the new year to read the Bible everyday. So far, it's going well.

I'm in the middle of Psalms. Sometimes I wonder if reading psalms isn't a little like sitting down with a hymnal and just reading through all those verses. It seems weird to me. But they are great. They're better out loud. Plus it makes me focus more, which is good, since I'm a little ADD sometimes and since I've been flaring some (nothing too awful, thankfully) I have a way of just zoning out of anything and everything. Still, I like them. They make me want to write. And then I decide I still have nothing new to say and no variations, so I just keep reading.

Speaking of things that say everything and more than you could have thought of...I remembered a prayer the other day that seems to express exactly what it is that I'm never sure how to say. In college I learned a lot about the Eastern Orthodox church and the way they worship. The people I read and met and talked with about it were deeply in love with God, and I learned a lot from them about various ways to grow closer to Him.

One thing I had learned, and never considered much before were praying pre-written prayers. These can come from a lot of places. The Bible (Psalms is full of them!) or from other Christians. When I came here I asked those of you supporting me to pray the prayer that Paul had written down for his friends in Colossae (Colossians 1:9-12).

This prayer that I remembered is one from Metropolitan Philaret (a bishop, poet, and teacher from 1800s):

O Lord, I do not know what to ask of You.
You alone know what are my true needs.
You love me more than I myself know how to love,
Help me to see my real needs which are concealed from me.
I do not dare to ask either for a cross or for consolation.
I can only wait on You. My heart is open to You.
Visit and help me, for the sake of Your great mercy.
Strike me and heal me; case me down and raise me up.
I worship in silence Your holy will and Your unsearchable ways.
I offer myself as a sacrifice to You.
I have no other desire than to fulfill Your will.
Teach me to pray. Pray You Yourself in me.
Amen.

That prayer says so much that I have tried to say before. It reminds me that God lets us hurt sometimes, and sometimes he heals. But he does it for his own glory--we can't understand it sometimes, but he does. And it reminds me to joyfully submit to him. I want more than anything to do what he wants me to do. Sometimes I don't know what that is. But He always knows, and when I don't know what to do, I need to remember to simply turn to him, offering myself to him as a living sacrafice. I need to turn to him in worshiping him. He's Holy; He knows; and He controls. I really haven't anything to fear, not pain, not uncertainty. If i follow him, nothing will happen to me except what he allows so that he can be glorified.
It also reminds me to try and let my struggles turn into his glory. I know I have a choice of how to deal with the surprises in life that I face. Bitterness, anger, jealousy...those won't glorify him. But if I can still smile, because I know that he is with me and praise him because I know that he will always walk beside me, and simply continue to seek after him, despite whatever gets in the way, then he will be the focus, and that is how it ought to be.

Recently I've been frustrated because I have more time then I know what to do with but I don't have the strength to do the things that are available (like working up at the school, it's a walk up a huge hill, and right now with this flare I can't seem to make it very fare without paying for any exertion with exhaustion and more pain). I prayed, asking God to make me stronger so I could go do more. I prayed and asked him to heal my body. I asked him what I am supposed to do. Why am I here if I can't do anything? But, then last night, God showed me that this time is a gift from him. It was as if he was saying, you have always longed for more time to focus on me. More time to study and to pray. And now that I have it, I get frustrated and try and find a way to fill up my time.

I felt dumb after hearing that. But I also felt glad. At least he got through to me before my time is up. Joanna and the kids will be back before the end of the month, and I will be busy again. Till then, I'm glad for the time I have left, and I ask you to pray that I use it well.

Love,
Jessica